June 02, 2003
PHILOSOPHICAL PICK-UP LINES....My entry in Josh's contest:
Hey, babe, life is nasty, brutish, and short. But down where it counts, I'm only nasty and brutish.
What do I win?
Posted by KEVIN DRUM at June 2, 2003 10:30 AM
Once you've tried a Leviathan, you never go back.
I guess that's a little more sophisticated than "hey baby, wanna see my leviathan?"
I suppose any entry in this contest could be considered a "noble lie."
I'm afraid the complete expression is that "the life of man is solitary, nasty, brutish, and short."
I'll refrain from making the obvious jokes.
"I've got dasein on you, baby."
"It is categorically imperative that I treat your end, and not only as a means."
"Let's try something we cannot speak about."
Quiddity: true, but it didn't fit my comedic purposes, and Hobbes isn't around to complain....
But it's actually kind of an odd comment, isn't it? Nasty, brutish,
and short I can understand, but solitary? Humans have always been
social creatures, so I wonder where he picked that up from?
Solitary, because in spite of our best attempts, we are alone. The
mind is a singular place, and though companionship is searched for,
often it is in vain, and other times it winds up fruitless or worse,
Rough day, Bill?
Solitary in the sense of every man for himself, without community.
As soon as we become social, then, according to Hobbes, we've taken a
step away from a state of nature.
Which goes to show that Hobbes was full of shit.
Here we go:
"Can I pass my camel through the eye of your needle?"
Wanna unite? You have nothing to lose but your chains.
Ooh baby, you just made my Bertrand rustle.
"With small men no great thing can really be accomplished." - John Stuart Mill
"The morality of modesty is the worst form of softening for those
souls for which it makes sense that they should become hard in time." -
You're so beautiful I no longer believe in free will.
Shoot, apostropher, I was just about to submit "let's unite - you
have nothing to lose but your pants." Now how am I going to pick up
Seth, all you need is a mode of production in mind and a big dialectic.
"Can I cover your black face with my white mask?"
Sorry, that was just disgusting.
"If you're looking for some Variety, I'm a Religious Experience."
There, much better.
Hey, baby. Let me show you what I can do with my Invisible Hand.
"Swing my way, baby".
I'm no pickup artist, and I'm not female, but I sure wouldn't accept any of these offers, clever as a few are.
Anyone know if there are Razzie-type awards for pickup lines?
I have to admit I'm not that familiar with philosophers. Could you
help me out a bit here? What exactly is it about philosophy that made
you want to study it? I mean, how does it make you feel?
Can you imagine yourself going to Paris to study philosophy? The city
of lights, action happening all day and night long. Can't you just see
in your mind the Eiffel Tower piercing the blue sky? Can you see
yourself walking along the banks of the Seine, feeling the spirits of
philosophers past penetrating deeper and deeper into your innermost
Do you remember how you felt when you met someone who understood your
deepest feelings? [point at self] Wouldn't there be an incredible bond
between you, as you feel those same feelings rushing back to you now?
I used to think these feelings were coming from above me, but now I
think these feelings are coming from b'low me. [point to crotch]
Wanna make the eternal return to my place?
"A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength"...know what I mean??
You make my proletariat rise.
You are the best of all possible girls. (Corny)
In the spirit of crude come-ons, I give you Friedrich A. Hayek:
"My dear, I believe you're leading to spontaneous organization -- in my trousers."
Continuing the lewdness, let's not forget the pornographic philosopher himself, Jean-Paul Sartre:
'Hey, baby. Want to feel yourself as flesh? Then come back to mine for an internal connection of being.'
"Now how am I going to pick up Marxists?"
"From each according to ability to each according to need"--& I'm pretty needy right now . . .
I can see that underneath that veil of ignorance you're unencumbered. So why not take it off?
"Hey baby, have you got the natural propensity to truck, barter and exchange bodily fluids?"
"Once you've had a go with my work of art, you'll forget about your mechanical reproduction."
Let's not forget what de Tocqueville's said:
"[O]ne set of men endeavor by innumerable artifices to penetrate, or to appear to penetrate, among those who are above them."
(Democracy in America, Part III, Ch. 2)
It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
I am John Galt.
Hey baby, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
When I saw you I thought, truly, this is the best of all possible worlds.
We should be one with the universe.
Wanna come down to the cave and view my allegories?
My name is Neo.
"Hey gorgeous, I came in here looking for some, uh, ethico-political
justification. But you're so fine as to make probable my uncoerced
acceptance of the original position."
My favorite American philosopher (or philanderer) William Jefferson Clinton: "Have you ever tried a Cuban?"
They say, every woman is an island, but, every man has a peninsula.
hey heres one for someone gettin up on your man. roses are red violets are blue I thought dogs were ugly till I saw you:P
sex is like mathadd the bed subtract the pants devide the legs an hope we don't multiply
Im sorry I had too
I appears that I am a month late. If my jokes get uploaded into the
vastness of cyberspace and there is no one there to read them . . .
Top Ten Philosophical pick-up lines:
10. My Ionic column is the perfect and eternal form of Ionic columnness (and it's rock hard, baby).
9a. I would love to Bentham you over and measure your happiness calculus.
9b. Take me home baby, and I'll raise the fecundity of your pleasure.
8. Show me your Kant.
7. I think I want to get it on with you, therefore, let's go somewhere and do it.
6. In Latin, philosophy means "love of Sophie". Won't you let me do
some philosophizing tonight? (Note: will only work with a girl named
5. The form of my argument? Modus Bonin'.
4. I am the overman: I have the will to deflower.
3. Just looking at you makes me feel like popping off a syllogism.
2. Can I put my post-structuralism in your Fouchole?
1. Little Socrates has a question for the oracle in your pants: "wanna screw?"
No one is reading these, but I can't stop.
Oh, excuse me. I was just contemplating the paradoxical dualism underneath your sweater.
this is all bull sh*t!! none of these would ever work! u guyz need to get a life!!
Well, I read your response and was considering whether you had a
point, when I devised a way to test your hypothesis. Over the course of
seven nights I used the pick-up lines printed above in various singles
bars in my area. The results are as follows.
Total number of propositions: 111
Total number of scores: 2
While a 1.80% success rate does not seem, at first blush, to be
overwhelmingly impressive, when it is compared to the 2.12%
(5,116,588,302,144,262,876,380 propositions to
107,960,013,175,243,946,692 scores) success rate of the cumulative total
of all pick up lines ever used throughout all of history to date (or,
possibly more to the point, my own personal rate of 1.79%), it appears
that you did not give these lines the credit they deserved.
As for the sex garnered by these lines, it was, admittedly, quite bland.
The first encounter ranks close to dead last among my 51 sexual
experiences. The second I place somewhere in the 36-42 range. I
suppose you can draw your own conclusions from the data I have compiled;
I for one view the philosophical pick-ups as rousing successes.
There is one last piece of evidence I failed to disclose.
Collateral damage incurred:
Face slappings: 74
Drink dousings: 26
Kicks to the groin: 3
Kicks to the groin neccessitating emergency room treatment: 1
I stand by my conclusions.