June 02, 2003

PHILOSOPHICAL PICK-UP LINES....My entry in Josh's contest:

Hey, babe, life is nasty, brutish, and short. But down where it counts, I'm only nasty and brutish.

What do I win?

Posted by KEVIN DRUM at June 2, 2003 10:30 AM | TrackBack


Once you've tried a Leviathan, you never go back.

Posted by: Reilly Hayes at June 2, 2003 10:39 AM

I guess that's a little more sophisticated than "hey baby, wanna see my leviathan?"

I suppose any entry in this contest could be considered a "noble lie."

Posted by: Stentor at June 2, 2003 10:40 AM


I'm afraid the complete expression is that "the life of man is solitary, nasty, brutish, and short."

I'll refrain from making the obvious jokes.

Posted by: Quiddity at June 2, 2003 11:05 AM

"I've got dasein on you, baby."

"It is categorically imperative that I treat your end, and not only as a means."

"Let's try something we cannot speak about."

Posted by: arthur at June 2, 2003 11:33 AM

Quiddity: true, but it didn't fit my comedic purposes, and Hobbes isn't around to complain....

But it's actually kind of an odd comment, isn't it? Nasty, brutish, and short I can understand, but solitary? Humans have always been social creatures, so I wonder where he picked that up from?

Posted by: Kevin Drum at June 2, 2003 12:29 PM

Solitary, because in spite of our best attempts, we are alone. The mind is a singular place, and though companionship is searched for, often it is in vain, and other times it winds up fruitless or worse, hostile.

Posted by: Bill at June 2, 2003 01:05 PM

Rough day, Bill?

Solitary in the sense of every man for himself, without community. As soon as we become social, then, according to Hobbes, we've taken a step away from a state of nature.

Posted by: ogged at June 2, 2003 01:18 PM

Which goes to show that Hobbes was full of shit.

Here we go:

"Can I pass my camel through the eye of your needle?"

Posted by: Realish at June 2, 2003 01:24 PM

Wanna unite? You have nothing to lose but your chains.

Posted by: apostropher at June 2, 2003 01:59 PM

Ooh baby, you just made my Bertrand rustle.

"With small men no great thing can really be accomplished." - John Stuart Mill

"The morality of modesty is the worst form of softening for those souls for which it makes sense that they should become hard in time." - Nietzsche

Posted by: apostropher at June 2, 2003 02:11 PM

You're so beautiful I no longer believe in free will.


Posted by: Ben at June 2, 2003 02:13 PM

Shoot, apostropher, I was just about to submit "let's unite - you have nothing to lose but your pants." Now how am I going to pick up Marxists?

Posted by: Seth at June 2, 2003 02:56 PM

Seth, all you need is a mode of production in mind and a big dialectic.

Posted by: apostropher at June 2, 2003 03:13 PM


"Can I cover your black face with my white mask?"

Sorry, that was just disgusting.

William James:

"If you're looking for some Variety, I'm a Religious Experience."

There, much better.

Posted by: ByWord at June 2, 2003 03:59 PM

Hey, baby. Let me show you what I can do with my Invisible Hand.

Posted by: J. Michael Neal at June 2, 2003 04:09 PM

"Swing my way, baby".
- Foucalt

Posted by: Hoodie Craw at June 2, 2003 04:11 PM

I'm no pickup artist, and I'm not female, but I sure wouldn't accept any of these offers, clever as a few are.

Anyone know if there are Razzie-type awards for pickup lines?

Posted by: pessimist at June 2, 2003 04:18 PM

I have to admit I'm not that familiar with philosophers. Could you help me out a bit here? What exactly is it about philosophy that made you want to study it? I mean, how does it make you feel?

Can you imagine yourself going to Paris to study philosophy? The city of lights, action happening all day and night long. Can't you just see in your mind the Eiffel Tower piercing the blue sky? Can you see yourself walking along the banks of the Seine, feeling the spirits of philosophers past penetrating deeper and deeper into your innermost soul?

Do you remember how you felt when you met someone who understood your deepest feelings? [point at self] Wouldn't there be an incredible bond between you, as you feel those same feelings rushing back to you now?

I used to think these feelings were coming from above me, but now I think these feelings are coming from b'low me. [point to crotch]

Posted by: Lonewacko at June 2, 2003 09:49 PM


Wanna make the eternal return to my place?

"A living thing seeks above all to discharge its strength"...know what I mean??


You make my proletariat rise.


You are the best of all possible girls. (Corny)

Posted by: Josh at June 2, 2003 10:16 PM

In the spirit of crude come-ons, I give you Friedrich A. Hayek:

"My dear, I believe you're leading to spontaneous organization -- in my trousers."

Posted by: Matthew at June 3, 2003 12:47 AM

Continuing the lewdness, let's not forget the pornographic philosopher himself, Jean-Paul Sartre:

'Hey, baby. Want to feel yourself as flesh? Then come back to mine for an internal connection of being.'

Posted by: rpc732 at June 3, 2003 05:51 AM

"Now how am I going to pick up Marxists?"

"From each according to ability to each according to need"--& I'm pretty needy right now . . .

Posted by: rea at June 3, 2003 05:53 AM

I can see that underneath that veil of ignorance you're unencumbered. So why not take it off?

Posted by: nate dogg at June 3, 2003 10:50 AM

"Hey baby, have you got the natural propensity to truck, barter and exchange bodily fluids?"

Posted by: John L. at June 3, 2003 12:13 PM

"Once you've had a go with my work of art, you'll forget about your mechanical reproduction."

Posted by: John L. at June 3, 2003 12:15 PM

Let's not forget what de Tocqueville's said:
"[O]ne set of men endeavor by innumerable artifices to penetrate, or to appear to penetrate, among those who are above them."
(Democracy in America, Part III, Ch. 2)

Posted by: John L. at June 3, 2003 12:22 PM

It ain't over until the fat lady sings.

Posted by: Tripp at June 3, 2003 01:53 PM

I am John Galt.

Hey baby, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

When I saw you I thought, truly, this is the best of all possible worlds.

We should be one with the universe.

Wanna come down to the cave and view my allegories?

My name is Neo.

Posted by: charles austin at June 3, 2003 03:33 PM

"Hey gorgeous, I came in here looking for some, uh, ethico-political justification. But you're so fine as to make probable my uncoerced acceptance of the original position."

Posted by: kevyk at June 3, 2003 04:10 PM

My favorite American philosopher (or philanderer) William Jefferson Clinton: "Have you ever tried a Cuban?"

Posted by: Keith G at June 4, 2003 12:58 AM

They say, every woman is an island, but, every man has a peninsula.

Posted by: acmesafeco at June 4, 2003 10:19 AM

hey heres one for someone gettin up on your man. roses are red violets are blue I thought dogs were ugly till I saw you:P

Posted by: Sarah at June 15, 2003 05:07 PM

sex is like mathadd the bed subtract the pants devide the legs an hope we don't multiply

Im sorry I had too

Posted by: Sarah at June 15, 2003 05:16 PM

Hello, I'm Karl Popper.

Posted by: timmy at July 14, 2003 11:44 AM

I appears that I am a month late. If my jokes get uploaded into the vastness of cyberspace and there is no one there to read them . . .

Top Ten Philosophical pick-up lines:

10. My Ionic column is the perfect and eternal form of Ionic columnness (and it's rock hard, baby).

9a. I would love to Bentham you over and measure your happiness calculus.

9b. Take me home baby, and I'll raise the fecundity of your pleasure.

8. Show me your Kant.

7. I think I want to get it on with you, therefore, let's go somewhere and do it.

6. In Latin, philosophy means "love of Sophie". Won't you let me do some philosophizing tonight? (Note: will only work with a girl named Sophie)

5. The form of my argument? Modus Bonin'.

4. I am the overman: I have the will to deflower.

3. Just looking at you makes me feel like popping off a syllogism.

2. Can I put my post-structuralism in your Fouchole?

1. Little Socrates has a question for the oracle in your pants: "wanna screw?"

Posted by: timmy at July 14, 2003 05:21 PM

No one is reading these, but I can't stop.

Oh, excuse me. I was just contemplating the paradoxical dualism underneath your sweater.

Posted by: timmy at July 15, 2003 11:29 AM

this is all bull sh*t!! none of these would ever work! u guyz need to get a life!!

Posted by: one pissed off women at July 18, 2003 09:56 PM

Well, I read your response and was considering whether you had a point, when I devised a way to test your hypothesis. Over the course of seven nights I used the pick-up lines printed above in various singles bars in my area. The results are as follows.
Total number of propositions: 111
Total number of scores: 2
While a 1.80% success rate does not seem, at first blush, to be overwhelmingly impressive, when it is compared to the 2.12% (5,116,588,302,144,262,876,380 propositions to 107,960,013,175,243,946,692 scores) success rate of the cumulative total of all pick up lines ever used throughout all of history to date (or, possibly more to the point, my own personal rate of 1.79%), it appears that you did not give these lines the credit they deserved.
As for the sex garnered by these lines, it was, admittedly, quite bland. The first encounter ranks close to dead last among my 51 sexual experiences. The second I place somewhere in the 36-42 range. I suppose you can draw your own conclusions from the data I have compiled; I for one view the philosophical pick-ups as rousing successes.
There is one last piece of evidence I failed to disclose.
Collateral damage incurred:
Face slappings: 74
Drink dousings: 26
Kicks to the groin: 3
Kicks to the groin neccessitating emergency room treatment: 1
I stand by my conclusions.

Posted by: timmy at August 5, 2003 10:54 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

Powered by
Movable Type 2.63